THE CARMEL BEAT
You’re just one planet in my universe, I have other planets too
Sanya Khanna
In most societies around the world, where people dream of finding the one, and movies and books still condition the “happily ever after” soulmate narrative, Rangashree, 20, an intern at an investment bank in 2020 came out as polyamorous and decided that this "one person for life" thing wasn't for her.
The word “polyamory” comes from the Greek root “poly,” meaning “many,” and the Latin root “amor”, meaning “love.” Quite literally, it means “many loves”; being romantically involved with multiple people at the same time.
In this interview, I speak to Rangashree who helps me gain insight into her definition of modern love living as a polyamorous person in India.
So we will start with the basics- how would you define polyamory?
Polyamory is about spreading love. People often mistake it as infidelity and think that polyamory is cheating but it isn’t. It is about being attracted to not just one person but a lot of people. Just like traditional relationships, four things matter a lot in polyamorous relationships – trust, communication, consent, and respect. I usually tell my primary partner that I am seeing other people, and he accepts it happily instead of
shrieking or being insecure. It is like a constellation of lovers and that many polyamorous people live in a community.
What was the moment of epiphany when you realized that you are polyamorous?
I was seeing a guy, but in between, I met another guy and other people too for whom I felt some sort of an inclination and attraction; that was my first moment of realization. I realized that I can have a primary partner but at the same time meet and see other people too.
What were the rudimentary dilemmas that you encountered when you decided you were poly?
In the beginning, I used to catch feelings quickly for multiple people at the same time and my friends used to dismiss it by calling me a "simp" and that I probably had a fleeting crush. So I took to google and did my research. I must add- in the beginning, I realized that my friends weren't accepting of polyamory. Some of them would get insecure introducing me to their friends or partners. They expected me to be in a monogamous relationship and that made things distasteful in the beginning. Now I have just learnt to live with it.
How has your experience been so far?
I have had my share of flings, but even people who proclaim themselves as “open-minded individuals” find it difficult to believe that I'm experimenting and exploring my interests with people. They think it is cheating when it is not exclusive. While growing up, I was made to believe that I should have only one partner for life. However, I found myself attracted to a lot of people for different reasons. Earlier, I thought it was weird but when I researched, I realized it never was. I just can't love one person. One can and should be allowed to love multiple people. I tell them that you’re just one planet in my universe; I have other planets too.
Who has been your poly icon in pop culture and media?
Recently, it was Sobita Dhulipala, but 2 days back I read her interview in Cosmopolitan and her understanding of gender is very messed up and now I'm just questioning it. She identifies as genderless, but while talking to a man, she feels like a woman. That is messed up. I used to worship her but I don't anymore.
Also, the issue was on gender and identity, and instead of interviewing a person from the queer community, they hosted a cishet woman. So problematic.
Does your family know about you being polyamorous and will they be accepting of the same?
My dad probably has a faint idea of my sexual identity while my mom knows nothing about it. I have a younger sibling but I haven’t told her. I grew up in a nuclear orthodox family and even though my parents had a love marriage and have a monogamous relationship, they won't ever approve of it. When my parents got married, there was a lot of drama.
The fact that I now identify as polyamorous and pansexual is probably not something that they would be supportive of.
Do your friends know about it, and when was the last time you lost friends and peers when you came out?
They do know it and know me but they are not very accepting. I have a few friends who accept me. What is the most ironic and heartbreaking is that they go from being very supportive of me to cutting me off in an instant. People often think of it as an excuse to cheat.
When you came out, what was their first reaction?
They say congratulations. They say things like 'congratulations' or 'Proud of you' , and I don’t understand why they have to say that. It's just me expressing myself and my sexuality like any other person. In my opinion, it is quite normal to be attracted to a person regardless of their gender expression or sex.
Have you had good experiences with social media apps?
I have never had a good experience with social media apps. Now I have a lot on my plate and so I'm out of all dating apps. I did use it, matched up with a couple of people but they just wanted physical intimacy, so I pulled off.
People assume that everyone on dating apps is there to satisfy their physical needs. One can just be there to meet new people and build connections as well.
I just want a meaningful relationship but with multiple people. People should be kind, respectful, trustworthy, and have good communication. That is the bare minimum I expect from people. The bar has been set so low, yet most of the time I'm left disappointed.
How is a regular day in your life and what do you do on weekends?
I wake up, and as soon as I wake up. I start working and while I'm working, I have my breakfast. Then I take a shower, make coffee in between. Then proceed to have lunch and attend meetings. So I start at 8 or 9 in the morning and finish it at 9 or 10 at night. And during the weekends, I just chill and relax.
Initially, I had plans of going to a bar or a good lunch with my friends. Or if everyone cancels I'll just probably watch races. Right now it is very boring cause I got out of something very toxic so I'm just taking some time alone and enjoying my company.
If you're comfortable, could you share what was the toxic thing about?
I had a fling with this guy, but he kept body-shaming me every time. He kept asking 'why don’t you eat?' and failed to understand that I don't gain weight even though I eat. He kept talking about the people I'm seeing to his friends, and every time he saw me with a guy, he assumed that something was going on with me and him, and then he would go to his friends and tell them about this. So words spread from here, like, “Oh she’s available” when nothing happened.
Does a part of you somewhere yearn to be in a stable relationship that is wholesome?
A very few times I get that thought and my answer to that is 'Yes'. I have had toxic relationships with men and women in the past since they lack perspective and are rigid. Due to this, I do not want to be in a relationship now.
You mentioned doing a lot of research; how well did that work out for you?
Either way, it did help. Initially, I did read a lot of stories about polyamory as just being an excuse to cheat on a lot of people but then I connected with a lot of people on Instagram who
debunked polyamory and I got to know that it was so much more about being involved physically with multiple people so that was useful.
I can commit to different things, but it's just that don’t expect me to commit to one thing in particular. Depends on my list of priorities, and it may change depending on the situation.
Do you ever feel like you won't match up with anyone?
I did think this way in the past. However, now I feel like I will match with someone eventually. It will be a time-consuming process because people are not open to perspectives; they cannot digest the fact that it is possible to like multiple people at once.